


Dim, Through the Misty Panes

by Poetry



Category: Animorphs - Katherine A. Applegate
Genre: Angst, Child Soldiers, Drabble Sequence, Family, Gen
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2014-04-19
Updated: 2014-11-07
Packaged: 2018-01-19 23:13:36
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 33
Words: 3,680
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/1487638
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Poetry/pseuds/Poetry
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>The Animorphs' families are the bedrock that supports them and the shackles that chain them. A series of drabbles, one for every family relationship the Animorphs have.</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. Eulogy (Rachel, Ellen, & George)

**Author's Note:**

> The title comes from [Dulce et Decorum Est](http://www.english.emory.edu/LostPoets/Dulce.html) by Wilfred Owen, which is a poem by a World War I soldier that perfectly describes what it's like to watch people suffer and die in war.
> 
>  
> 
> _Dim, through the misty panes and thick green light_  
>  _As under a green sea, I saw him drowning._  
>  _In all my dreams, before my helpless sight,_  
>  _He plunges at me, guttering, choking, drowning._

“Do you have any words you want to say?” Aunt Ellen asks quietly. “At Saddler’s funeral?”

Rachel grits her teeth and looks away.

“It’s okay if you don’t,” Uncle George says. “We just wanted to offer.”

Rachel hasn’t cried in front of Jake, Cassie, or her mom. But she cries now without a hitch in her voice as she says, “I wish I could. I want to explain so it makes sense. But I’m sorry. I just can’t.”

They hug her, because they think she’s a lost girl with no answers, but they cut like broken glass behind her teeth.


	2. Lycanthropy (Cassie & Walter)

Dad is trying to calm the wolf down so he can examine her, but she’s having none of it.

“You should rinse your mouth out,” Cassie says. 

He frowns. “Why?”

“Because you just had leftover chili for lunch.”

Dad raises his eyebrow. “Since when did you become the expert?”

_Since I came home in wolf morph the night you cooked the chili,_ Cassie thinks. But she says, “Just try it,” and when he does, the wolf submits.

“It’s like you know what makes her tick,” Dad says, impressed.

_I have to,_ Cassie thinks. _Just like any soldier knows his weapons._


	3. Trojan (Rachel & Jordan)

Rachel drops her wallet, and condoms spill on the living room floor.

“Oh my _God_!” Jordan shrieks. “Are you having _sex_?”

“I’m not,” Rachel mumbles, blushing. _I wish._ She picks them up. “They’re… just in case.”

“Just in case _what_? You meet Noah Wylie? You’re such a ho, Rachel.” Jordan snaps her fingers. “Wait a second. Marco sometimes calls sounding all shifty – are you gonna do it with Marco?”

Rachel considers. It would be a good cover for Marco’s calls. She sneers. “Maybe he’ll let you have a turn after me.”

Jordan throws a pillow at Rachel. “I hate you!”


	4. How and Why (Jake & Sara)

While Naomi is busy yelling at Hork-Bajir, Sara sits beside Jake at the fire. Her dirty shoes get blacker with ash. “Why are you the leader?” she asks.

Jake shrugs. “If not me, then who?”

“A grown-up. That’s what Mommy says.”

“Elfangor gave the morphing power to the Animorphs, remember?”

“Then why not Rachel? She’s brave.”

“She could have been. If Tobias convinced her instead…”

“I wish she were. Then she’d think about how to win instead of… whatever she thinks about now.”

“She does want to win, Sara. She just doesn’t worry about how.” _Or why._ “That’s my job.”


	5. Tea Party (Rachel & Sara)

Sara is sitting surrounded by half-broken Barbie dolls and curls of bark. Rachel sits facing her. “Whatcha doing?”

“Having a tea party.” She picks up a piece of bark. “These are the teacups.”

“Nice. Can I have one?”

Sara watches her sideways. “You never play with me anymore.”

“Well, I want to.” She accepts a teacup from Sara and fakes a sip. “There’s a big battle tomorrow, Sara. It’s going to win the war. We should celebrate.”

“Then can we go home?”

Rachel ruffles her hair. “We can’t go home, Sara. But it’ll all be over. So today, let’s party.”


	6. Cause of Death Unknown (Jake, Ellen & George)

“We know this is a hard time for you, Jake, but we had to ask…” Ellen swallows hard. “Was Saddler a Controller?”

Jake gapes. “What? No! I mean, I don’t think so.”

“It’s OK, Jake,” says George. “We know there’s no way to be sure. But after they found him at the bottom of the elevator shaft, we thought we’d never get answers. And now, we thought maybe the Yeerks had something to do with what happened to him.”

Jake shakes his head. “No. Nothing to do with the Yeerks. Just the wrong place at the wrong time, I guess.”


	7. Alterity (Ax & Elfangor)

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> alterity ( _noun_ ): otherness; specifically: the quality or state of being radically alien to the conscious self or a particular cultural orientation

«Soon I will be given the morphing power,» Aximili tells Elfangor. «What is it like to morph?»

Elfangor takes one of his characteristic pauses to consider. «Overwhelming. It is much more than taking on a new body. It is an entirely new perspective on reality.»

Aximili scuffs his hoof nervously. «What if I lose myself in the morph? How do I regain my Andalite perspective?»

«You do not. You may remember yourself, and demorph, but your perspective will be forever altered by knowing another. You cannot fully return.»

«That is frightening.»

«Yes. But it is also wonderful. You will see.»


	8. Compersion (Rachel & Jake)

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> compersion ( _noun_ ): the feeling of joy associated with seeing a loved one love another; contrasted with jealousy.

“What if it’s not the same?” Rachel whispers to Jake as they watch Peter and Nora feed each other wedding cake. “What if we fix everything, get Tom back – after – but it’s like this?”

Jake watches Marco, and he’s _happy._ Not completely, but more than he’s seen in months. “It will be different,” he whispers back. “How couldn’t it be? But I’d rather have it different than gone.”

Rachel follows Jake’s gaze. “I think he’s a better person than me. I’m not sure I could be happy, in his place.”

Jake’s mouth twists. “Maybe he’s just better at being happy.”


	9. Not Her Hero (Tobias & Loren)

«So,» Tobias said. «Do you want me to tell you about Elfangor? What he was like?»

Loren turned away. “Not really.”

Tobias didn’t understand. He wanted to know everything about his lost family. «He was your husband.»

She caught his gaze and held it. Her eyes were just like Tobias’, a constant reminder of what his human face was like. “I hate him. Look what he _did_ to you.”

Tobias looked down at his talons. He didn’t blame Elfangor for this. Really, it was his aunt and uncle’s fault. But he didn’t think that would make Loren feel any better.


	10. "He always had been a jerk" (Rachel & Saddler)

Rachel was attaching a new basket to her bike when Saddler grabbed it from her by the handlebars.

“Hey, give me my bike back!” she said.

“I just want to ride around the neighborhood. Stretch my legs.”

“You are such a jerk. Don’t you ask first?”

Saddler didn’t listen. He got on the bike. Rachel took the can of spray paint from her bag and sprayed the bike pink, as she’d meant to do anyway. Some paint got on his jeans.

“There,” she said. “Have fun riding around on my pink bike. I hope you hit a car and die.”


	11. Not That There's Anything Wrong With That (Rachel & Naomi)

“Rachel, you’ve been sleeping over with Cassie a lot.”

“Yeah,” Rachel said to her mom. “So what?”

“What do you do when you’re there?”

“Oh, you know. Walk in the woods. Hang out. Not much.”

“See, Rachel, you’ve been secretive lately. Moody. So if there’s, uh, anything happening at these sleepovers, besides sleeping…”

“What are you _talking_ about?”

Her mom said in a big rush, “If you wanted to bring home Cassie as a date I would be _delighted_ for you, honey. She’s such a nice girl.”

Rachel choked on her coffee. “Uh, okay, mom. I’ll keep that in mind.”


	12. Volunteer (Jake & Jordan)

“You should have let me fight,” Jordan whispers, so the reporters and mourners can’t hear, her eyes red and fiercely dry. “I could have helped. Maybe she wouldn’t – “

“You were too young,” Jake says, staring at the grave, not at her. 

“I turned thirteen a year ago. The same age you were when you started.”

“We were too young.” Jake looks up at Jordan. “And what would you have done? Died in her place? Killed your cousin?”

“I would have done _something._ ”

“That’s what everyone who didn’t fight thinks. They would have done _something._ But none of you were there.” 


	13. The Guilty Ones (Jake & Naomi)

“I don’t blame you,” Naomi said, pushing another cup of coffee toward Jake. “Drink up. You look exhausted.”

Jake put down his cold coffee and picked up the new one, letting it scald his palm. 

“I don’t blame you,” she insisted, guzzling her own coffee like it would keep her alive. “You came up with the plan, but she agreed. I raised her to be the type of person who would…” She shook her head. “I should have seen the signs.”

“You’re not the one who made her that way, Aunt Naomi,” Jake said. “I did. And she let me.”  


	14. Coming of Age (Jake & Saddler)

“What even is a Bat Mitzvah?” said Jake, listening to Saddler practice singing Hebrew under his breath for the fifth time.

“It’s a coming of age,” Saddler snapped. “Hasn’t your dad told you? It’s how a Jewish kid becomes an adult.”

Jake shrugged. “He didn’t tell me much. I guess he’s not as into Jewish stuff as your mom.” He frowned. “But hey, wait a second. You’re becoming an adult? You’re only thirteen!”

“Yeah,” Saddler scoffed, “but I’m ready to be a man!”

“No, you’re not.” Jake rolled his eyes. “I know you, Saddler. You’re never going to grow up.”


	15. Who Are You? (Marco & Eva)

His mom must have seen the look on his face when she stormed out of the hut. “Oh, Marco. You heard us yelling, didn’t you?”  
  
Marco chewed his lip. “Are you and Dad OK?”  
  
“Honey,” Mom said. “Your dad and I didn’t fight the year before I … disappeared, because Edriss – Visser One – didn’t want to rock the boat. There were times I wanted to yell at him and couldn't.” She smiled. “It feels _good_ to fight with Peter again.”  
  
Marco mumbled, “I don’t even know which parts were you.”  
  
Eva offered a hand. “Talk to me. I’ll help you remember.”


	16. Unbelievers (Marco & Peter)

Dad joined Marco at the fire. “Your mother told me.”  
  
“About what?”  
  
“How you… nearly killed her.” He stirred the embers. “She was so calm about it. She believes in a higher power. That she was meant to go free. Or if not, go to a better place. But – neither of us believe that.”  
  
Marco’s eyes burned. “Maybe I would’ve got her out sooner if I’d thought God was on my side.”  
  
“No.” Dad put his face in his hands. “Sorry. How could I make you think that? You weren’t sure you were right, but you fought anyway. _Thank_ you.”


	17. Stronger Than Before (Rachel & Tom)

“Pretty cool, Rachel.” Tom watches her walk atop his backyard fence. “Hey, if you’re getting back into gymnastics, there’s a bunch of girls at the Sharing who are into it. I’m sure they’d go easy on you.”  
  
Rachel stands on a fencepost, arms akimbo. “Are you saying I’m _weak_? That I’ve gone soft since I quit?”  
  
Tom looks up at her. “No. Just that they’d be patient and help you.”  
  
“I can kick the butt of every girl at the Sharing, and most of the boys, including you.” She flips down to the ground. “Tell _that_ to your little club.”


	18. Recriminations (Jake & Dan)

It takes Uncle Dan two days to arrive: one to starve his Yeerk, one to fly in.   
  
No sooner does Jake see him than he feels knuckles slam into his nose. A burst of pain. Mutely, he watches his blood splash to the ground.  
  
“If I had – ” A harsh breath rips through Dan – “been there. I would never – ” His bloody hand flexes – “have let you do that to Rachel.”  
  
Jake morphs his head to tiger, so his shoulders ache with the weight of it, then back. His face is whole. Numbly, pleadingly, he asks, “How could anyone have stopped me?”


	19. Last Call (Rachel & Dan)

Tobias knows a pay phone no one uses. He finds Rachel a quarter for the call.  
  
Rachel dials the familiar number. “Hi, Dad. Just calling to tell you we’re going on vacation. We’ll be out of contact for a while.”  
  
“When are you leaving?” he says. “I’ll fly in. You can meet me at the hotel and say goodbye.”  
  
Rachel doesn’t know if it’s a Yeerk setting up a trap, or her father trying to stay in touch. “Today, actually. Sorry, Dad.” If he’s not a Controller now, he will be soon. There’s nothing she can do. “I love you.”


	20. Bogeyman (Jake & Jean)

His mother’s Yeerk refused to give her up. She thought she still had bargaining power, a hostage. Fool. Jake watched her starve with satisfaction, then horror as the fugue took hold, then numbness.  
  
The shriveled Yeerk falls from her ear. Mom’s first act as a free woman is to clutch Jake’s shirt and stare at him, wide-eyed. “She was so afraid of you,” she whispers. “They all were. My little Jake, a bogeyman. What did you _do_?”  
  
Jake hugs her, and treasures this moment, when she doesn’t know to be afraid of him. Then, brokenly, he whispers why she should.


	21. Fang Kiss (Jake & Tom)

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Warning for implied sexual abuse.

When Jake was ten, he had a crush on Wenjing, a girl in Tom’s grade. He once asked Tom if he would ever date her.  
  
“Nah,” he said. “She’s pretty and great at basketball, but her dad’s this rich stockbroker, and he spoils her rotten.”  
  
When Jake was fourteen, he passed by the Sharing on his walk downtown. Tom stood there holding hands with Wenjing. “Come with me,” he said, voice smoky.  
  
Jake wondered if the Yeerk would make Tom kiss her. If that would be his first kiss. If he’d ever get to choose to kiss someone he loved.


	22. Apology (Jake & Steve)

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> apology ( _n_ ). 1. An expression of remorse or regret for having said or done something that harmed another.   
> 2\. A formal justification, defense.

“Hey, Dad,” Jake said. “While I’m away, rescuing Ax… you can clean out my old room.”  
  
“Finally! It’s a wreck.” Dad watched him slantwise. “What’s hidden in there?”  
  
“I kept diaries,” Jake said. “During the war. They’re hidden under the floorboards.” Which his parents’ Yeerks tore up when they searched his room, but they never found them. “The key is in Grandpa G’s footlocker.”  
  
A look of panic passed over Dad’s face. Fear at what he would find? Or did he know why Jake was letting him read them?  
  
“Maybe they’ll help you understand,” Jake said, and went on packing.


	23. Warchild (Tobias & Noorlin-Sirinial-Cooraf)

Tobias wasn’t sure what to morph for the holo-call to his – that uneasy word – _grandparents_. His human face, descended from Elfangor’s _nothlit_ form? His Ax morph? Finally, he decided to be himself, perched on Ax’s back.  
  
His grandparents stared at him a long time. Tobias blurted out, «I’m sorry, I should have morphed.»  
  
«You made the same choice Elfangor did,» Noorlin said. «If both of you forsook your Andalite heritage, then it is no betrayal of yours, but our failure. Oh, Tobias.» His tail hung low,  blade touching grass. «For my people’s sins, you must forgive me, not I you.»


	24. Lost Boy (Tobias & Forlay-Esgarrouth-Maheen)

«Will you come to our world, Tobias?» asked Forlay. «There is so much we could show you.»  
  
Tobias imagined blue grass, red sky, the whisper of his father’s Guide Tree. «What do Andalites think of me?»  
  
«Some pity you and wish to teach you our ways. Some see you as a symbol of what they call Elfangor’s cowardice. Some call you a tragic hero.» She added earnestly, «But not us, Tobias. You’re our grandson.»  
  
Tragedy. Reject. Hero. Grandson. Tobias doesn’t want to be anything at all. «Someday.» In eight years, he’ll say. When his hawk body is withered and gone.


	25. Letters Unsent (Tobias & Ax)

«I want you to wear this Z-space transponder,» Ax told him, «so you can contact me after I leave.»  
  
Tobias agreed, reluctantly (and now, how the memory burns, of deft blue fingers on his talons) but never used it. He feared he would hear Ax’s voice, or his grandparents’, and regret his decision to stay.  
  
Now, on the Rachel, he composes all the messages he should have sent, a record of his damnation for abandoning his family, repeating the sins of his father.   
  
He turns the recorder on. «I thought I was broken, but I wasn’t when I had you…»


	26. Those We Love the Best (Tobias & Elfangor)

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> There's one sad truth in life I've found  
> While journeying east and west -  
> The only folks we really wound  
> Are those we love the best.
> 
> – Ella Wheeler Wilcox

Tobias should have been angry that this alien asked him about his mother. He should have said it was none of his business. Instead, he tore the words out like splinters: “I don’t exactly have a family.”  
  
«They are your family now.» Tobias didn’t understand, then. But he learned, through a letter read by an enemy, an Andalite shape from borrowed DNA, a haunted look in blind eyes.  
  
Now, as Jake sends Rachel to her death, Elfangor’s words, carved like a _shormitor_ in his mind, are painful truth: the only betrayals that cut this deep are from his family’s blades.


	27. Family Legends (Ax & Loren)

«Hope…»   
  
The thought-speech transmitter flicks off. The silence breathes. Aximili wonders if it was a good idea to hear this with Loren. He wishes to be alone.  
  
Loren looks at him, inhales, and flutters out a hand. “What’s wrong?”  
  
Aximili dodges the hand. «Elfangor received an order from his prince to kill thousands of Yeerks.» Loren will despise him when he says this, but he will still say it. «So did I. I made a different choice.»  
  
Loren looks down, bites her lip. “And now? If it happened again?”  
  
«I’d choose right.»  
  
“Then you’ve learned something. And so have I.”


	28. Grace (Ax & Noorlin)

«I have terrible news, Aximili-kala,» Noorlin said. «I am going blind in my left stalk eye. I must seclude myself, or else disgrace you with a _vecol_ father.»  
  
Fists clenched around my hearts. I remembered the auxiliary Animorphs, how they sacrificed themselves, all unknowing, to divert the enemy. I thought of Tobias, alone in the woods. Was he not a kind of _vecol_?  
  
«I have fought alongside human _vecols_ , Taxxons, Hork-Bajir. My dearest friends have only two eyes. Will you become a stranger to me with three eyes? No, Father. My only disgrace would be if I sent you away.»


	29. Never Came Home (Ax & Forlay)

«Aximili-kala,» said Forlay, finger-combing oil through his fur, «why do you point your stalk-eyes to the sky?»  
  
His mother’s touch filled him with warmth. «I missed the colors. And… I still look for Tobias.»  
  
«Ah.» A pause. «And why do you have your tail poised like that? Aren’t you afraid you’ll hurt someone, if you always keep your tail ready to strike?»  
  
«Mother, I am very careful to hurt only those I mean to.» Aximili curved one stalk eye from the sky, and thought of all the beloved throats his blade had pressed against. «I have never failed,» he lied.


	30. The Weakness (Rachel & Jean)

One night, when it got to be too much, Rachel fled to Jake’s house.  
  
Aunt Jean answered the door. “What’s wrong, honey?”  
  
There were tears on Rachel’s face. She wiped them away angrily. “Mommy and Daddy are yelling and they don’t even know I exist.”  
  
Jean let her in. Rachel said, “I thought Mommy and Daddy loved each other.”  
  
“They do, sweetie,” Jean said. “But you can hurt the people you love. Sometimes you hurt them worse because you know them so well.”  
  
Rachel sniffled. She hoped Jake wasn’t home to hear her cry, to know how weak she was.


	31. Bloodmouth (Rachel & Steve)

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Warning for reference to eating disorders.

Uncle Steve keeps looking at Rachel oddly over Passover seder. Afterward, Rachel pulls him aside. “You’ve got something to say?”  
  
“You’ve lost a lot of weight recently,” he says. “Since Saddler died. I’m a doctor, I can tell. Rachel, if you’re having issues about food, you can get help.”  
  
“It’s not that,” Rachel says. “I can’t eat anything with a face lately. Maybe Cassie’s gotten to me.”  
  
“Oh!” says Steve. “Then you just need to get more vegetable protein.”  
  
Rachel hates lying to him. But she isn’t, really. She can’t stand to see the blood welling up around her fork.


	32. Guardians (Cassie & Michelle)

Mom taught Cassie about the house of their foremothers. _Your great-great-grandfather Frank laid these bricks. This is where the farmhands slept during harvest._  
  
In the valley, Mom says, “That house has been in our family since 1860. What’ll become of it now?”  
  
Frank’s insignia from the Union militia were back there, tarnished with age. Cassie’s room belonged once to her great-great-aunt Letitia, who worked twelve hours every day to send her daughter to Spelman for school.   
  
“When I was little, you told me our ancestors watched over our house,” Cassie says. “If that’s true, the Yeerks won’t even touch it.”


	33. Tradition (Marco, Ax, & Tobias)

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Rounding out the series with a somewhat longer drabble. Hope you all enjoyed the journey.

The sound of hoofbeats made Marco look up from where he was rewiring the cable box. He looked between the trees and blinked, because he could have _sworn_ that was _two_ Andalites running by.

He sat up. “Ax? Please tell me you haven’t been secretly cloning yourself out here this whole time.”

He heard Tobias laughing in thought-speak. Actually laughing, at one of Marco’s jokes. He hardly ever did that anymore, not since Taylor. Ax and his clone came running toward the scoop through the trees.

«Yes. I am a clone. Finally Aximili-Esgarrouth-Isthill has a friend who enjoys These Messages as much as he does.» It was Tobias. Of course. The Ax morph he’d used to get captured by the Yeerks. Marco hadn’t thought the morph could mean something more than trauma to him. But of course it did.

'What were you doing out there? Why are you so giggly? Ax hasn't been getting that illsipar root from Gafinilan, has he? I knew I shouldn't have let you make friends with drug dealers.”

«I don’t need illsipar root,» Tobias said. «Morphing Andalite is like getting high all on its own. It’s like being a dolphin, man. They’re _happy._ »

«I have been teaching Tobias how to carve _shormitors_. Primitive Andalite writing.»

Tobias cocked his tail, focused his stalk eyes on a nearby tree, and struck. Three sharp movements, and there was a symbol carved into the bark, three lines at different angles that came to a point.

"What does it mean?" Marco asked.

Ax and Tobias exchanged a private look with their main eyes. «It means tail blade,» Tobias said. «Or, someone you trust so much they could hold their tail blade to your throat and you wouldn’t be afraid.» And Marco got it. Not completely, of course, because it was their tradition. A family tradition. Tobias had never had that, and if Ax had, it was more than two years and a trillion miles gone now.

Marco knew how much those meant. His mother making him churros on Sunday morning, their hot sweet smell in the kitchen, if he behaved all the way through church. The international call from his dad’s parents on Chinese New Year, in their broken English and Marco’s fragments of Mandarin. He hadn’t been to church in years, and his grandparents would get the news sooner or later that he was dead.

Marco got out his pocket knife, went up to the tree, and closed his eyes to remember. Then he carved the symbol into the bark below Tobias’ as best he could.

«I have never seen this symbol,» Ax said. «What does it mean?»

"My dad will probably say I got this all wrong," Marco said. "But Chinese New Year is coming up soon, and that’s when we put it on lanterns. You know, to celebrate. It means ‘good luck.’" He shrugged. "We need it."


End file.
